Sure- did it suck being led on by men who knew how much I felt for them, and string me along as their best friend, receive my unending support, share all the deep conversations, and spend so much time with? Yes! Especially while I was in it! I always felt like I was one rom-com moment away from their major epiphany of what an amazing girlfriend I would be, and what an amazing relationship we really have… and those moments never, ever came.
And the part that hurts me the most now, is looking back at just how much I was willing to put up with while waiting. I believed for so many years that I was undeserving of love, and that someone else’s confirmation that they loved me, would suddenly redeem me of this seeming curse of unlovable-ness. (Are you starting to think I watched way too many movies as a kid…. You might be right.)
Now here I am, about to turn 35, and for the last 5.5 years I’ve been a relationship with the same man. A man that I only could have met through absolute fate, because there is really no way we would have ever met, and I honestly pushed him away so much at the beginning that it’s kind of incredible he made his way through the friend zone.
The beginning of our relationship wasn’t easy. We bonded over heart-shattering breakups, and in the beginning I felt certain that we’d end up being transitional people for one another. After all, up until that point all I had known was heartbreak, so why would it end any other way? Right away we faced the normal back and forth of- where is this going? And what are we doing here?