Validation is extremely important. We all know the power of feeling seen and being recognized, especially in a moment where we’ve worked really hard or are feeling vulnerable. We all want to feel good about ourselves.
When you’ve spent years of your life worried about rejection or abandonment, or being harder on yourselves to prevent the criticism that could come from someone else, it becomes second nature to crave approval from others. Seeking Validation from others not only eases our insecurities, but it also makes us feel like everything we’re doing to belong and contribute is being approved of.
The Danger Of Seeking Validation From Others
When your only sense that you’re doing a great job comes from being recognized by others, you’ll struggle with insecurity and rejection more than you deserve. Why? Because when we’re suffering, we cannot control how, when, or to what quality we’ll receive validation from others.
I learned this the hard way in my relationships. I have a tendency to go towards codependent behaviors, and would find myself seeking approval and reassurance from my partner whenever I felt insecure. If we had a fight, I’d want him to understand why I did what I did and validate my perspective- and when he wouldn’t do that, I would fall apart.
I was tying my worthiness to the approval of others. And this, for many reasons, is very problematic. Why? Because we cannot control others.
We can’t control what they say, what they believe, how they perceive us, or how they react (among other things). And when we try to- especially by doing extra in order to make others love us or give us approval, appreciation, or thanks- it’s very co-dependent.
The Importance of Self Validation
When you learn to approve of yourself and find a sense of worthiness that is no longer dependent on what others are saying or thinking about you- suddenly things majorly shift in your life.
After all- how much time and energy do you spend striving for the approval of others?
I massively struggled with this because trying to prove myself left me burning the candle at both ends; I was exhausting all of my internal resources running around trying to please everyone else both personally and professionally. I was checking emails 24/7, staying up until late hours of the night to complete projects before they were due and putting my partners needs and wants before my own.
I thought if I did everything that everyone else could possibly want or expect of me that THEN I would be good enough.
But the approval I was seeking would never was enough.
After years of crashing and burning, I finally realized- something has to give. Looking to others to approve of me was inconsistent at best. When it worked it felt good, but the feeling didn’t last long; only until the next thing I had to fix or do in order to feel good enough again.
How to Find Self Validation
So how the heck do you break out of this cycle? It begins with implementing a ton of self kindness practices that include:
- Empathizing with
- Accepting yourself
While that might sound like a lot- I think having several avenues to meet yourself with love is way easier and can be applied across any circumstance life throws your way as you work towards freeing yourself from the need to have others approval. Each of these self kindness practices can be implemented by itself, or in combination with another.
For example: when you get into a fight with your friend and you feel scared of rejection- that’s when you empathize and encourage yourself. When you just spent 3 hours cleaning the house top to bottom instead of waiting for your partner to gush over it- give yourself that acknowledgement. Instead of waiting for someone else to suggest that date night you want to go on, prioritize making that happen. You don’t need others to come with you or approve of what your planning- you are an amazing, creative, and worthy person and what you want matters too.
When you start to embrace the habit of self soothing through these kindness practices, you learn to build yourself up and to rely on what YOU think about how you’re doing. You may transform in small and large ways! Bonus: this happens from a place of personal empowerment. If you relate to this matter, I hope you check out the range of tools we have to help you with finding real self love like our weekly podcast: The A Bit From Within podcast- which you can check out our episode connected to the subject of Self Validation below. We also have gentle yoga classes and guided meditations to help support you with time for yourself, as well as our Patreon page that connects all of these tools together.
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