Once I said yes to working with other- this was actually really easy for me to process, and naturally I felt compassion around blunders because I know we’re all just human. I knew they were doing their best- and that has always been enough for me.
But do I extend this same compassion towards myself? Not even close!
And what I just realized is, I have this irrational belief that I’m allowed to be human if no one is mad at me for being flawed or having weaknesses, but if someone is mad at me or if I let someone/something down, then I feel a significant amount of shame and irrational guilt.
Recently I had an experience where I didn’t feel like I was my best self. Well actually- in the moment I knew I was doing the best I could. I was trying SO hard. I was managing a million directions I was being pulled in, constantly changing circumstances, and high expectations put on me to begin with- and as soon as I finished the day, I felt crushed. I felt as though it wasn’t enough.
After this, I began to spiral out. Dissecting every moment from the day where I “messed” up. Where things didn’t go as well as I hoped. Where my weaknesses and flaws shined through, and where each one was so was a well of shame. And as as the waves of shame started to move through me and I tried to work through them- the shame evolved into guilt.