I also realized full force that I had so much unresolved pain from being a “fat” teenager being triggered inside of me. All of those negative cognitions about being overweight, not fitting into clothes, being unattractive (i.e. “unworthy” in my mind)- it all came back as strong as before.
If you’ve ever struggled with your weight, you know the emotional pain that comes with it. You know the struggle with buying clothes- or worse, having clothes given to you. You know the pain that comes with talking to health care providers and the way they can look down and talk down to you. You know the pain of looking in the mirror, and not seeing who you wish you saw.
I now have even more work to do because not only do I want to lose weight, but more importantly, I know this is my opportunity to heal those parts of myself and change the way I feel about my body. Yes, I appreciate my body, and doing so many years of yoga has helped me “love” my body too – but I’m not sold on using that word. I honestly don’t know if I can say, “I love my body” 100%, unconditional, etc. and believe it fully. There are aspects of love that I feel for my body, but I am still struggling with it. That’s where I’m at.
I know I need to heal my mentality around weight, weight loss, food consumption, dealing with stress, and movement. (Oh is that all?- haha!) It is a tall order BUT I have so much motivation in my WHY. Of course I want to do this for myself, but I’m also hoping to bring children into this world, and I don’t want to pass along any of these negative thoughts that I have of myself off to them. I want us all to be wildly accepting and loving of our bodies, in harmony with food and movement, and completely knowing of our worth and belonging in this world.
I will say that I DO want to lose weight. That’s my choice, and it’s deeply personal that I want this for myself. That being said, I KNOW that none of us have to lose weight to be worthy! We are ALL worthy of love and belonging to matter what size or weight we are, and so please know that while I want that for myself, it’s not something I think anyone *should* choose to do.